It’s weird writing a blog post like this. I don’t think I have ever crossed this line of my “personal” life. Maybe I’ll just leave this as a private post but I feel like I need to process my thoughts and feelings.
Almost daily, I log into my Instagram and see another beautiful, happy couple announcing their pregnancy. There is nothing I love more than to follow a pregnancy journey of fellow bloggers! I think that it is such a beautiful time and having bump photos is such a dream! After that moment of rejoicing, come the tears.
Last weekend I was spending time with my parents and in laws. I love them all so much!! My dad is a very tough, Russian, dude and when ever he gets sentimental, you know something is up. We were all driving in one car and he randomly said that when I announce my pregnancy he would paint all of the oak trees in his backyard pink! Haha, so sweet, weird and random all at once. Then everyone else in the car started talking about my future kids, how they will look, what they would like to see in them. I had a huge smile on my face, I love this topic! However, inside I felt like I was letting them down. I am not pregnant, the last time I was it didn’t last.
Maybe you all feel this is so silly to dwell on, but it really is a “touchy” subject for me. If you watched Desi Perkins video about this topic, you would kind of understand the fragile nature of this.
I know that God has everything laid out according to his will and perfect timing. But it’s so hard to let go of that! When we started trying, we knew for sure I would get pregnant before New Years at the latest. We planned on being pregnant and announcing the pregnancy in Bali. I had this vision of taking a photo in the elephant sanctuary, holding an ultrasound photo, with my husband. That was the plan. You don’t even know how much it sucked to be there, on a trip we planned, without the good news. We never even saw the elephants, it felt too weird.
At the same time, we didn’t know I would open my store this summer until February of this year, that Filipp would be half way across the globe this summer. But it still is a lingering thought in the back of my mind.
I am so grateful for the women in my life, who knowing my condition, recommend various ways to help. It is so sweet and kind when women share their knowledge and their own testimony of fertility. This runs in my family, so I have a few women in my life who went through what I have! One of them has two kids! They are miracle babies.
I know that God knows my heart. He knows our prayers. We have a little baby sweater pinned in the back of our closet to remind us what we need to pray for. It has been there for way over a year.